Welcome to the Chaos!

"Join me on a journey to find balance in life after being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder."

I’m going to be honest, this blog is going to be a mess for a while. My life is a slightly organized mess and this blog is a reflection of my life, so bear with me while I get it together.

Who knew starting a blog was so much friggin work?

I thought I knew. It’s funny how little you really know until you get into the thick of it.

Research

• I could (and eventually probably will) write a whole post on how much research went into getting this blog JUST to this point.

Learning WIX

• I picked the easiest editor and it has still been a complete shitstorm setting everything up.

Organization

• Look, I love spreadsheets as much as the next spreadsheet-obsessed person out there (so many of us eh?) but damn, organizing the thoughts in my head into usable spreadsheets was quite the process.

Today is Saturday, March 11, 2023.

I have so much to do before I can hit publish, so much more that I wanted to do, but I have a goal.

I Plan to Publish it Tomorrow

• Why? Because it is the anniversary date of when I was discharged from the mental health floor in the hospital.

3 Weeks

• I spent in the hospital, most of it on hold.

• It took a week to get me stable enough that I could think again.

• Another week and a half of me fighting for some answers.

Diagnosis to Discharge

• My logically-minded ass spent it researching all I could on DBT and BPD.

• My psychiatrist in the hospital made me feel like a lab rat with all the questions she had. I didn’t present with typical BPD behaviours on the outside which is probably why I wasn’t diagnosed until my brain literally stopped working.

My Lengthy to-do List

Oh boy, it’s long. Way longer than this. This is the cliff notes version.

Finish Getting Content onto Pages

• Yea, I don’t even have something on every page that I plan to have on here.

• I turned off indexing for a bunch of the pages so Google doesn’t try and creep them until they’re ready.

Edit My Legal Pages

• I don’t want to do this. I’ve been avoiding editing for over a month now.

• You don’t even want to know how long it took me to get them up.

Finish the One Paid Printable for My Shop

• I need something to have in my shop so it’s not bare.

• I decided to create a Wellness Planner that covers the basics for organizing your life and tracking self-care.

Done is Better than Perfect

I mean, who is even going to find this site anyway?

If You’re Here…

• I gave you the URL. The two of you. You know who you are.

• You somehow stumbled upon this site. Congrats. You’re part of an exclusive club of people who got here on the ground floor when everything was still in complete chaos.

It’s Going to Get Better

• Once I publish, I’ll have to keep working on it.

• I wasn’t ready before, to commit to anything that required weekly work.

• If I can survive 9 months of DBT and 5 months of individual therapy, I’m pretty sure I can survive the apocalypse. Honestly, that would probably be less stressful.

I Have a Plan

• Many plans actually. This whole site at this point is just a list of what’s going to eventually be on here.

• I suffer from extreme determination. It’s annoying actually. Not just for me but for those around me. I can envision my site's future and I know it is going to get there.

• Things take time, lots and lots of time. It took my unstable ass months to learn how to do nothing, and then months to learn how to do just enough for it to not be a problem.

Who Does a Blog Post in Point Form?

Me. I do a blog post in point form.

I’m Peculiar

• I used to hide from it, but now I embrace it.

• This whole blog started because I did not relate to a lot of the content out there on borderline personality disorder.

• I’m used to being the exception to the rule and trying to cover that up. I’ve always felt like it was a character flaw on my part.

Unmasking is Awesome

• I didn’t even know masking was a thing. When I found out I was like “uh yea, that’s…my whole life summed up”. It was a bit of a shocker.

• Learning to unmask is a brutal process. The work that goes into it, is awful.

• Finding your sense of self and living your life in line with your values while being true to that self, is the most amazing, indescribable thing I have ever experienced.

So Why Start a Blog?

At first, it seemed like it might be something to help me get things out of my head and meet others. Over time, that changed, drastically, the more I learnt.

I Want to Share My Story and Help Others

• When I was diagnosed and searched the internet for information, it was infuriating. Now to be fair, at the time all I was capable of feeling was anger and irritability so that probably played a pretty big part in my frustrations.

• I was ready to scream if I had to read one more post on BPD that just did NOT fit with the way that I was experiencing it. Not a whole lot of content out there on people who internalize their symptoms (probably because they don’t get diagnosed, or they would never talk about it even if they did; I get that).

• Reading recovery stories of people who struggled with BPD or mental health issues in general and were now all healed and shit made me sick. Awful judgment, I’m aware. It’s the truth though.

• Where were the stories of people who were struggling to just keep it together? I found some, but they read like some seriously sugar-coated bullshit. I was in a pretty dark place and reading about people who came out on the other side just made it worse.

So, I decided I was going to Start a Blog.

• I’ll do a real post on this, which isn’t in point form soon. My intent was to write about my struggles, the real ones, and hopefully put some content out there for others who were in the same seemingly sinking ship so they’d feel less alone.

• I felt alone. All dark and twisty (for the Grey’s Anatomy fans) if you will.

• I started therapy. I felt like the odd one out in my first two groups. I found it difficult to connect to what others were sharing. My logical brain struggled to process everything.

Things Changed

• Throughout therapy, my life has changed. I have Google Docs full of unedited thoughts, rants, learnings, and stories. I will be posting quotes from them along with the dates they were written and some backstories to help them make sense. I wish I was stable enough to post them at the time but setting up this site has taken much longer than I anticipated.

• I went from thinking about starting a blog in April 2022 to purchasing a domain in September 2022. Honestly, at that point, I still had no idea what I was doing, but it was no longer something I just wanted to do, it was something I had to do.

• Now, I cannot imagine doing anything else. If you would have asked me over a year ago where I’d be today, I can assure you that becoming a blogger who creates content and printable to help support others who are struggling to find balance in their lives would NEVER have crossed my mind. Nothing even resembling that.

Life is wild. You never know when or how things are going to change. All that is certain is things will change. Stick around, this site is going to be amazing.

Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Leave them below or feel free to contact me through the contact form, email, or socials.

Thanks for reading!