Out of the Shadows: Sharing My Struggle with Depression

"In this raw and unfiltered account of my journey through depression, I offer a message of hope for anyone who has ever felt alone in their struggle."

"Change is the only constant in life." -Heraclitus

The Only Constant in Life is Change

Heraclitus said something along those lines and quite frankly I thought it was awful at first.

When You're Struggling with Depression, it Can Feel Like it Will Never End.

At least it did for me. I felt like I was trapped at the bottom of a deep dark well in the middle of nowhere, treading water just to stay alive. I managed to keep treading even when life started adding more and more ankle weights. I was raised to be strong and put up a fight in the face of adversity, and I did, until I couldn't.

Things Change. Whether You Like It or Not.

Before my hospitalization, I felt this hopelessness that I could not shake. I felt like things would never change or get any better. Now I'll admit, change was kind of "forced" upon me (being hospitalized), but once I was there I was able to begin to accept it as a good thing. I needed the help even though I couldn't admit it.

Change doesn't have to be a bad thing. Perhaps you're lucky enough to be someone who embraces change, and I applaud you for that. I, however, hated it. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that the only constant in life is change, and you can either fight it or embrace it.

The great thing about change is it means it is possible to get out of that deep dark place. It's sure as hell not easy, but it is possible, even if it doesn't feel like it.

The hardest part is a willingness to accept and embrace change. Change was scary. I was afraid of the unknown. I felt out of control. Honestly, it was painful for me. It is still painful sometimes. I knew things could not stay the same though because I could no longer tolerate living that life. I had to embrace change, it was my only option, no matter how terrified I was.

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back

Recovery isn't linear, it's more like a scribble nightmare.

It Kind of Looks Like This.

When I found this picture I was going to use it as a bit of a joke about how complicated therapy and recovery feel. Then I decided to label it like a graph because the joke's on me, it's pretty damn accurate.

My mood started out low and changed constantly. I would master more skills in therapy and the process was so draining that despite moving forward in therapy, my mood would tank. I would finally recover a bit in my mood and then I'd take a step backward in therapy. I have been in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy for 10 long ass months and some weeks still look like this.

With Time You Get Stronger.

Despite having weeks that feel out of control or incredibly difficult, they don't hit as hard. I am stronger now than I was before. I can do hard things and survive.

I hit a point in therapy where my mindset shifted. Well, there were quite a few tbh but let's just focus on this one for now. I realized that things aren't always going to be this way, this hard, and this challenging.

I went from very all-or-nothing thinking (they call it black-or-white thinking in therapy) to more fluid thinking (this is the dialectical part of therapy, that's for another post).

I Can See a Brighter Future

A life worth living.

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Churchill

Starting to Build a Life

I know that I am not where I want to be YET. I can actually see a life now though, one that is worth living. DBT has given me the skills to help deal with difficult life situations so I can see things in a different light.

With continued therapy:

• Reading up on specific skills

• Practicing skills when I am not as escalated

• Practicing skills when I am MORE escalated

• Doing all (I mean ALL) my homework

• Completing worksheets provided to me

• Making my own worksheets on the skills

• Actively participating in group sessions

• Continued willingness mentality

I believe all of these things have been essential to my gradual improvements.

Things Will Continue to Improve

I truly believe that in my soul now. Before I was hospitalized I would have laughed if someone would have told me I would be where I am now. It's hella cheesy to say (and would have pissed me right off to hear before) but the truth is if I can do it then so can you (yes you, reading this post right now).

I can't wait to update this post in a year and share what has changed <3

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Thanks for reading!